I always end up on the wrong side of the road. Wishing one thing but something else come along, unwanted. My request is as simple as it could get. But still, to them, it’s questionable and difficult to fulfill. Why? Is it so hard to go to the post office and post my stuff? I didn’t ask much. Just a pair of shoe i needed for a function next week. But they asked me to buy a new one instead! Shoes are damn expensive! Especially heels! Why would i buy a new one when i have the old one which is still in good condition. Posting them is a lot more cheaper than having me buy a new one! Because of this simple matter, i got into a big fight with mom. And for the first time ever, she hung up on me! Usually when we fight, i will be the first one to hang up the cell. But this time it’s my mom.
I dunno how i felt at that time. But i was so pissed that i threw away my cellphone onto the table. I don’t give a damn if it broke into pieces. The only thing i cared for at that moment was my heart and my moms’. I know i no doubt hurt her feelings. But what about mine? My Goddamn loan money hasn’t been banked in yet. it will in another two weeks. And i never thought i’d say something like this, but i’m kinda broke right now. Like really really broke. I am so broke that i have to borrow my friend’s money. I dunno why but i refused to ask mom and dad to bank in for me. EGO!! Now that i am in a fight with mom, my EGO exceeds everything else!
Even though ego consumed me, i still am a human being. I have flaws. And i even sin. I have feelings and emotions. Knowing that i hurt my moms’, i cried. In silence. they’re silent tears. Also because of my EGO, i pretended i was busy. Pretended everything was okay. The problem with me is i don’t share. I keep things to myself. I don’t like talking about my problems. I know some people think i’m stupid. Thinking that i can solve my personal problems on my own. Without the help and advice of others. Think what you wanna think. For all i know, i don’t give a fuck whatever you think about me.
As i am typing this, tears drop on my pillow that i’m clutching. My fingers move fast on the keyboard but my mind is elsewhere. Home. Wondering what my mom might be feeling as of this moment since i hurt her feelings. Next week is holiday, for a week. And after the incident, i have no intention of going back home. I miss everything about home. But then again, my EGO is too big to be crushed. As of this particular moment, i don’t feel like going home. I just wanna be alone in a place where i can have my privacy and think peacefully. Without anyone screaming in my ears, laughing at a guy falling of his bike, gossiping about the latest hot news, or anything that is capable of making my ears bleed.
I MISS HOME, BUT I DON’T WANNA GO HOME. AGAIN, I AM ON THE RIGHT TRACK OF TRYING TO MAKE AMENDS FOR THE PAST. BUT I AM ON THE WRONG TRAIN. EVERYTHING ON THIS TRAIN SEEMS WRONG. NOTHING’S RIGHT.
i looked around in despair. this was not what i asked for. ‘they’ made me jealous. to know that ‘they’ have something that i no longer have just made me a lot more worst. i sat in silence trying to ignore everything and everyone around me. ‘they’ cracked some dry jokes. i faked my smile. trying to look as natural as mother earth. i listened to the lecturer. her words did not linger in my head. they passed by my head as if they held no meanings at all. from another person’s pov, i might look like i was focusing hard to what the lecturer taught us. but truthfully, my body was there and my mind was elsewhere.
i thought to myself whether i have made the right decision. the world that i had to leave… i love it with every beat of my heart. but i cannot live it anymore for there are always something stand in the way. i chastised myself for making such a decision. but i did it only because i considered the feelings of others that i loved. i cannot be selfish.
‘they’ walked around proud of themselves. proud of what they have. proud of the respect that people have for them. ‘they’ portrayed a symbol of bravery, justice, and trust. i for once used to be like them. used to hold a symbol like that. i was proud, in a good way. but then it all got thrown away like pieces of crumpled and useless papers. all because i cared too much. whatever it is, i did make the right call. i love my family more than everything and they would not ask me something that is not best for me. they did it because they love me.
even though sometimes jealousy consumes me, like today, i did the right thing and still am proud of myself. you can think anything you want. hell you can even criticize me for my decision, i will not care.
The violence in the world comes about because we human beings are forever creating barriers between men who are like us and men who are not like us. (Quote by – Edmund Leach)
Seriously you cannot say that the quote’s wrong. Violence are everywhere esp in a war. What is a war without violence right ? What is war without losses of lives and destruction of properties. War is violent.
But then again, why choose violence when there’s peace ? Why choose something so vile like violence ? I cannot say why because i for once do not know. Perhaps it’s a need. Violence inflicted by certain people because they want people to know they’re in control. Violence of those whom are strong against the weak.
But Edmund Leach seems to think that violence are caused by the differences between human beings. True to the bone. We live in world that comprises of people with different skin colors, religions, race, backgrounds, way of life, etc. Certain people just can’t accept the fact that there are those that are not like them. This is what we have come to call prejudice. It began as ethnic jokes. Then only with discrimination,the prejudice minds are acted upon.
Take Adolf Hitler. He is one fine example. He believed that economic and social problems have biological solutions. Meaning he can cure poverty by getting rid of poor people. Biological racism was at heart of the Holocaust where ethnic cleansing occurred. What’s horrifying is that the Holocaust happened in public view but no one did anything to stop it. I guess they were satisfied by just being bystanders as Jews were being sent to Auschwitz.
This stereotype that promotes discrimination against people different than us is poisoning our minds. Instead of hatred among one another why not unite ? Being different is unique and it’s a diversity needed. If we just learn to accept one another the way they are, then only can peace be achieved. Accommodation guys!! We are who we are and we cannot change that fact. Respect them even though they’re way different than us. There are more to a person than just their skin colors. Stop being judgmental.
Make peace, not war.
p/s : after two months.. hihhi.. well this isn’t my primary blog anyway.. i say what i think is right. please correct me if i’m wrong. after all, i am just a person like you.
I’m standing in a place where there are two roads ahead of me. One road paved with hardships and toughness. The other one paved with love and happiness. I don’t know which road to choose for I don’t have the guts to just travel one. I wish I could travel both roads but I know in reality I won’t be able to do it. The left road is where the hardships and toughness lay still. If I take this road, in the end I’ll achieve something really valuable and meaningful. But the catch is that to achieve it, I’d have to go through and lead a painful life where I have to spend most of my time away from family and friends. Not just that, I also have to undergo intensive and tough trainings to achieve it. I’ve already done it for a year and a half, and there’s another year and a half left. But I’ve been through so much that I don’t think I can take it anymore. Day by day my life starting to get more boring and the distance between me and my family is getting wider. I hate that I can’t spend times with them. I hate it when I always ruin their vacation plans. Every time they planned a fantastic vacation, I wasn’t there. Why? Because I took the left road. This road kept me from being there as a part of the family. It hurts that they had fun as a family and I wasn’t there. You might wonder why I took this road in the first place. I, myself don’t have the answer to that question. This road also made me feel isolated. Not that my friends alienate me, no… they have been great. But it’s me. Since a year and a half ago, I prefer to be left alone in college. Sometimes I’m depressed, so depressed that I had nervous breakdowns.
Now, I found a shortcut where I can’t quit from all these madness. But, I’m no quitter. That’s the problem. Making a right turn to the other road is not that easy. If I do it, I’d have to withstand people cursing at me and hating me. The effects are kind of permanent and I have to get used to them. But, I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing.
The right road paved with love and happiness is where I want to be right now. I wish all of these never happened and I wish I could turn back the time to where it all begins. I miss my family. I miss spending times with them. I miss go to the beach with them. I have missed out on a lot of things with them. My friends said that whenever they plan getaways, they said I was always not there to enjoy with them. True. And I hate this. Family and friends are forever. Here, my friends aren’t as great as my besties. I hate people that talkbacks. But, from where I’m standing now, there is abundance of that. Hearing your friend talking about other people behind their backs most of the time is more than enough to make you realized you’re in the wrong place. You don’t belong here.
Yes, I don’t belong here. I belong with my family and friends.
I’m ditching the left road and taking the right one.
So long and goodbye…..
i miss my old blog. that’s why i’m back. but that doesn’t mean i’m abandoning blogspot.
i’m writing again here because of my coursework for one of my subject which is globalization, cyberculture, and future studies. the guideline requires me to have a blog, choose a topic (current issue), and write about it and eventually attract people to participate in the discussion. i dunno yet whether i’ll do it with a partner or individually. personally i think individually is easier since i get to express my own opinions. but that won’t be problem. i haven’t decided yet on what topic to write about.
the most hot and controversial issue rite at this moment is the Palestine-Israel war. from day to day ever since Israel launched their ground strikes towards Gaza City i’ve bought all kinds of newspapers just to read about it. now the death toll of Palestinian has reached over 500 people including innocent young children. it saddened me when i read today’s newspaper and saw the picture of a scared-looking boy against the wall seeking shelter from the bombings. the bodies of three little children whom died from the attacks and a distraught father grieving over the lost of his son. the syifa hospital’s morgue is crowded with dead ye yebodies and hundreds others wounded by the turn of event. the hospital had to rely on it’s backup generator fully. if the generator breaks down, it’ll be the end for those whom are hooked to the life-saving devices.
i dunno what to say. things like this have been going on for a while. the UN should call a criminal tribunal against Israel for committing war crimes. then again, nobody is doing anything. they can only speak..but not act. people’s effort from demonstrations, protests, assembly…aren’t gonna change anything until we all realize the need to be unified and stand up against those who are wrong. all the Islamic countries should severe ties with Israel in order to protest against their action. we should stop buying american products. as we know it, America supports Israel by supplying weapons and ammunitions. where did they get the money to make those weapons ? us of course. the money you pay for buying their products are used to
make the weapons and then supply them to Israel. it is just like you supporting Israeli action to attack Gaza. no different. just the same.
p/s : it’s good to be back. 🙂
im moving people…from wordpress to blogspot. its been almost 3 years now. time for a change. hehe~ but i won’t abandon wordpress. there’s too many memories in this blog so it’s kinda hard to just leave it like that. i’ll update it. but it’ll be like ages. haha~ anyway..
this is the link to my new blog :
Democrat Barack Obama, the first black US president won the 2008 election and it was a landslide victory. it seems like the US presidential election has become a major phenomena all around the world. evrywhere people tuned in to the news channels yesterday just to see who won the election. he will sworn as the president of the US next year on Jan 20th. of course now that he’s the president he’s gonna have to deliver all of his campaign promises. but his major priority is to tackle the economic crisis the country’s facing rite now. US economic crisis has affected Malaysian’s economic condition also especially regarding the fuel prices. So, it is also in Malaysia’s interest to see how the new president is going to overcome this problem and make right the economic conditions. withdrawing the US troops out of Afghanistan within 16months would be his next priority. personally, i think he can make a difference. a change. at least he can do better than Bush did. well, give the man a chance.
the night of the election, Michelle Obama’s dress became the 2nd most popular thing other then the victory of her husband. kinda weird to talk about her dress on such a big night. but people kept buzzing about her attire. it wasn’t that fantastic but i admit, i got to give her credit for her bold action wearing a dress like that instead of the should-be-First-Lady’s dress. haaha~