on the right track but on the wrong train

Posted by: wannursyazana on: February 6, 2010

• In: life | me me me | personal
• 1 Comment

I always end up on the wrong side of the road. Wishing one thing but something else come along, unwanted. My request is as simple as it could get. But still, to them, it’s questionable and difficult to fulfill. Why? Is it so hard to go to the post office and post my stuff? I didn’t ask much. Just a pair of shoe i needed for a function next week. But they asked me to buy a new one instead! Shoes are damn expensive! Especially heels! Why would i buy a new one when i have the old one which is still in good condition. Posting them is a lot more cheaper than having me buy a new one! Because of this simple matter, i got into a big fight with mom. And for the first time ever, she hung up on me! Usually when we fight, i will be the first one to hang up the cell. But this time it’s my mom.

I dunno how i felt at that time. But i was so pissed that i threw away my cellphone onto the table. I don’t give a damn if it broke into pieces. The only thing i cared for at that moment was my heart and my moms’. I know i no doubt hurt her feelings. But what about mine? My Goddamn loan money hasn’t been banked in yet. it will in another two weeks. And i never thought i’d say something like this, but i’m kinda broke right now. Like really really broke. I am so broke that i have to borrow my friend’s money. I dunno why but i refused to ask mom and dad to bank in for me. EGO!! Now that i am in a fight with mom, my EGO exceeds everything else!

Even though ego consumed me, i still am a human being. I have flaws. And i even sin. I have feelings and emotions. Knowing that i hurt my moms’, i cried. In silence. they’re silent tears. Also because of my EGO, i pretended i was busy. Pretended everything was okay. The problem with me is i don’t share. I keep things to myself. I don’t like talking about my problems. I know some people think i’m stupid. Thinking that i can solve my personal problems on my own. Without the help and advice of others. Think what you wanna think. For all i know, i don’t give a fuck whatever you think about me.

As i am typing this, tears drop on my pillow that i’m clutching. My fingers move fast on the keyboard but my mind is elsewhere. Home. Wondering what my mom might be feeling as of this moment since i hurt her feelings. Next week is holiday, for a week. And after the incident, i have no intention of going back home. I miss everything about home. But then again, my EGO is too big to be crushed. As of this particular moment, i don’t feel like going home. I just wanna be alone in a place where i can have my privacy and think peacefully. Without anyone screaming in my ears, laughing at a guy falling of his bike, gossiping about the latest hot news, or anything that is capable of making my ears bleed.

I MISS HOME, BUT I DON’T WANNA GO HOME. AGAIN, I AM ON THE RIGHT TRACK OF TRYING TO MAKE AMENDS FOR THE PAST. BUT I AM ON THE WRONG TRAIN. EVERYTHING ON THIS TRAIN SEEMS WRONG. NOTHING’S RIGHT.